I know that I have not posted in what seems like forever, but now that I am unemployed I just might be posting more. Now some of you are scrolling down to my previous post because it was titled something along the lines of “NEW JOB” punctuated with what was probably an overuse of exclamation points. Alas, this post is not about my current bout of unemployment. That is a completely different blog… which I just may have to start.
This post is about… The Failed Seduction.
All ladies have a sexy song list, yes, even married ladies have a sexy song list. I had a friend in college that titled her Sexy Song List, “Sheets” which I thought was quite witty. My playlist is unimaginatively titled, “Sexy Playlist.” Good, huh?
My Sexy Song List came about in college whenever I heard a song and just thought, “Damn. That is a sexy song.” I’ve recently come across (by which I mean I dug up my external hard drive and searched manically through it) my Sexy Song List when I was feeling particularly randy and mischievous one day when I was waiting for my husband to get home. I came up with the brilliant idea to surprise him with spontaneous sexy time the second he got home. Best. Wife. Ever.
When it comes to music, I believe it can do miracles. I truly believe this. It can make you feel better after a horrible day, it can relate to you most personally when you’re feeling shitty, and it can make you feel incredibly sexy. The last bit does not apply to me. I have the incredible ability to look horrifically unsexy when I try to look sexy. The last time I tried to look sexy, I ended up tangled in two blankets on the floor, laughing at myself, while my husband tried to figure out how to unleash me from those evil blankets. That is why I did not even try to look sexy on that fateful day. I was dressed in one of my big sleepy time t-shirts with the holes in the armpits and my over-sized sweatpants. No bra, gotta get a little frisky… That was my first mistake.
My second mistake was to pretend like I was cleaning the bedroom. That’s right, I waited until I heard his key go through the slot in the door, hit play, and scrambled to pick up that duster and started dusting the shit out of the bedroom all the while my sexy song list is just exploring the crevices of my eardrums. Go time.
I hear his footsteps in the hallway… I hop up on the bed pretending to dust off the headboard… He pushes open the door… walks up to me… grabs my hand and pulls me down to my knees to see him face to face… He wraps his arms around me…gets close to my face and says, “Hey Babe, the room looks nice. I’ll make dinner tonight since you look like you’ve been cleaning all day.” Then he gives me a kiss, flips my tit, and just walks right out of the bedroom to watch TV.
I then looked down at myself and realized I was dressed like Cinderella before she met her Fairy Godmother.
Hilariously Ever After 